Channel 420

Used to Be Mother left a message on my phone. At first I thought someone had passed away. Her tone glum and upset, she reported that my brother had done something to her television and now she couldn't get her Catholic channel. Did I think she should call the store where they bought it so they could fix it? (She has cable with over 50 channels but only watches two: the weather channel and the Catholic channel. She can talk about the weather for hours.)

I wish I knew how to upload a recording of this message. It's classic of her telephone conversations these days. "Mom, mom, well you know that." and she signs off "Good-bye Darling". Darling? She has gone all syrupy on us these last few years.

My brother spent the afternoon with her. They walked across the street to the bank, her daily ritual. The Queen was in her counting house, counting out her money...She has a very definite path she insists they take. My brother humours her. What's that yellow thing on the grass? It's a dandelion Mom. What's a dandelion? I've never seen one of those before. My brother points to the boulevard dotted with dandelions. "I'm just amazed!"

As soon as they are back from the bank she calls me informing my brother is there and will I talk to him. I explain I'm a little busy but will see him later as he is sleeping at my house. You don't want to talk to your own brother? Nope.

My brother stayed for supper with her. She has them sit at the very first table as you enter the dining room in her complex. She introduces him to every single person who passes. They eat in silence. My brother notices that she has forgotten how to make conversation. Oh didn't you talk about the traffic, the stars and all the stuff in stores? Didn't she tell you about the five day forecast?

Later, as my brother and I exchange UTBM stories, laughing our heads off, we both try to silence the terror that our genes will betray us and turn us into weather channel watchers.