The YW's lesson today on chastity has caused me to reflect on how we teach this topic. Because we don't believe in premarital sex, we may sometimes make these young women feel guilty if they have sexual feelings or thoughts. These are not "BAD" so learning to channel them and deal with them would be a more productive discussion. We need to help them develop strategies that will empower them to say "no not now".
We put too much emphasis on keeping themselves morally clean and not enough about their self worth, self respect and the uniqueness of their virtue. They may want to act upon their feelings not because of the sex but because they want emotional intimacy. This need often is much stronger and certainly can eclipse being obedient to a commandment. For some, having sexual attention is better than no attention at all. Once a girl knows that it is because of her looks (body) that a boy pays attention to her, she may use this currency to "buy" what she doesn't feel she could get without it: popularity, validation, approval or acceptance. But her worth is now based on only the physical aspect of herself. Her humour, her intelligence, her friendliness, her kindness, her opportunities are seldom considered as she zips up those tight jeans and paints on the lipgloss. She may become susceptible to poor body image and eating disorders as she clings to the only thing that seems to matter in a highly sexualised world.
These ideas are not in the lesson manual. We skirt around this issue like we do a beehive forgetting that these young women have been exposed already to some pretty incredibly explicit ideas just listening to their peers in a locker room. What might happen if we were really honest in the discussion? If we told them about the time we kissed someone in the dark basement or we used vulgar language? Would it make that young woman want to follow my good example or my mistake? Would it help her see from my own experience that she didn't need to do that? I'd really like to know a better way to teach them about this principle because so much of their personal happiness hinges on it. What are your ideas? Reactions? Observations?
18 comments:
I think you have summed it all up with the phrase - 'no not now'. That is the message all young people - boys and girls - need to hear. Their emotional/social maturity does not catch up to their bodies for some time. But their developing sexuality is not wrong or bad and needs to be celebrated as something special. But not soemthing to act on in your teens.
In your 20's - when you should be emotionally mature enough to make that decision about whom you will share yourself with - either inside or outside of a marriage. Ideally inside! Although I persoanlly think an adult couple can choose to make a responsible comittment to each other that does not have a legal or religious component - if that is their wish. I am not talking about casual partners.
But in your teens it would be healthy to acknowledge your sexuality as a wonderful gift that you are going to be able to enjoy just as soon as you are old enough!
We do skirt the issues and I think part of it is because we are in denial as to what they are being subjected to/taught amongst their peers. Just to add to what you are saying from my experience in young womens as a girl and as a leader. Much of the talk is remaining pure for your temple marriage after which you can live happily ever after. We just need to be more careful of the rhetoric. Talk about remaining pure to be able to attend the temple whether it be before a mission or a marriage or just going as marriage is not a given for the young women and it can feel like a failure if they don’t go for that reason. Also the happily ever after should be kept realistic – that temple marriage doesn’t guarantee that but will prepare a couple to copy with the trials that life throws at them better than a marriage out of the temple.
i enjoyed reading this blog. i think a couple things to consider.
1) openness in marriage is certainly a necessity. i think sometimes the fire and brimstone lessons make people think that they are unworthy of a worthy (and i don't just mean morally) spouse. the "chastity" lesson and the atonement are lessons which go hand in hand.
2) there is plenty of "don't do this, don't do that" in lessons pertaining to chastity. but oftentimes we don't really know why we shouldn't do certain things. therein lies a problem i think, because i don't really see it as a matter of faith, or something to do without understanding. when someone asks, "why can't i sleep with my boyfriend?" the standard answer seems to be, "because god told us to avoid premarital sex." the logical question in my mind is, "but why?" the common answer is, "because we have been given the powers of procreation, and we shouldn't abuse them." while that may be true, it isn't a very satisfactory answer, particularly for young people who are first beginning to view themselves as sexual beings.
3) the chastity lesson is easily one of the most uncomfortable lessons in the church. because of the negative stigma behind sexuality, it is incredibly taboo to talk about it. i think that because there is no real dialogue about it and when there is, it's kind of hush hush it makes it awkward and it makes people feel as if any expressions of sexuality, be them healthy or unhealthy are negative and to be hid from the world, something to be ashamed of. i don't think we need to feel shame from the fact that we have sexual impulses. i think the key is learning how to channel those impulses and urges and desires into something positive.
i think it is good that you want to teach these YM, and actually help them, not just say that same things they will hear countless times. i am not entirely sure how to go about doing this, but those are my comments, not sure how to synthesize them into a lesson though.
I think the key element that you hit upon is: “they want emotional intimacy”. Intimacy isn’t just physical relationship with that special someone. Women of all ages need the safety and security of expressing their personal thoughts.
Successful emotional intimacy builds self esteem and self esteem builds emotional intimacy.
For young women I think there is a critical time in the early tween/teen years. Self esteem of young women often hinges upon how they were able to relate to family and friends as they went through those vulnerable insecure years. (Relationships with dads are especially important!)
As you pointed out in some cases sadly young women feel the need to supplement and may try to “buy” things. If they choose to “buy” the wrong things they will haunt them for the rest of their lives. Lacking self esteem or personal relationships may lead some to struggle with emotions and turn to the wrong places for the wrong things in life.
Families and church can do all that they can to build emotions and self esteem, but ultimately it’s up to the YW to want to develop it further. It takes a lot of work and it’s something that we have to work at all of our lives.
Emotional security and self esteem are key. I am continually amazed at the lack of self esteem and insecurity amongst many women. I wish I knew how to motivate some.
That’s my 2 cents worth,
"forgetting that these young women have been exposed already to some pretty incredibly explicit ideas just listening to their peers in a locker room." I think you're so right here. I too wonder if the manuals are keeping up with what young women today are dealing with.
" their self worth, self respect and the uniqueness of their virtue. They may want to act upon their feelings not because of the sex but because they want emotional intimacy. This need often is much stronger and certainly can eclipse being obedient to a commandment. For some, having sexual attention is better than no attention at all. Once a girl knows that it is because of her looks (body) that a boy pays attention to her, she may use this currency to "buy" what she doesn't feel she could get without it: popularity, validation, approval or acceptance. But her worth is now based on only the physical aspect of herself. Her humour, her intelligence, her friendliness, her kindness, her opportunities are seldom considered as she zips up those tight jeans and paints on the lipgloss. She may become susceptible to poor body image and eating disorders as she clings to the only thing that seems to matter in a highly sexualised world." This is very well put and so true.
My young women's leader shared the fact that before she was married she (a non member at the time) crossed lines that since joining the church, she realized shouldn't have been crossed. She expressed such sincere regret and honest remorse - I found that really impactful, in fact I don't really remember anything from my YW lessons on chastity but I remember her and how her story convinced me that there must be some merit in the law of chastity.
You sound like a great young women's leader. I'm interested in the other feedback you recieve.
I have appreciated all your comments and continue to mull this topic today. Are we afraid to be honest as one of your young women leader was because we fear it sanctions these actions or suggests that they can have "fun" now and then fix things later? And I do agree with the comment that the atonement must absolutely be taught in conjunction with the chastity lesson. The first time I held our daughter in my arms I studied her so carefully. Her eyes were wide open and she was equally engrossed in looking at me. As I considered where she had just been and how pure she was, I knew at that moment why we want to be morally clean. I didn't want anything to taint her. As each child came along, that feeling of their being pure was repeated so powerfully.
you know all my thoughts on this issue and i am so proud of you have having the cajones to tackle it head on with your young friends.
FROM ML:
I think you have been called to this position because of your high sense of psychology and your life experience. Yes I agree with you that teaching about self-worth is fondamental when
we talk about morality. Also I agree that having sexual feelings is not a sin, but that we do need to know how to deal with them.
I wasn't a member of the Church until I was 20, so I did not have that sense of guilt as much as those with a knowledge, but I can tell you that my parents had tought me about
responsibility, and my father being a doctor had seen too many young girls coming into his office pregnant at 16. So when I was tempted, I could always hear the echo of my mother's voice:
Responsibility!! So we might need also to talk about life after sex... the risk, the possible pain that will never be totally over.
While I was reading your thoughts, it reminded me of Elder Oak's talk at a gen. conf. about homosexuality. He clearly said that homosexuality was not a sin if we did not act on it.
Even after my mission, I went through tough times with self control and my sexuality. I had to use priesthood powers to help me.
Anyway, I would not talk about my personal mistakes when I was a teenager to my students, but that temptation is always around us and that the most important thing is
to be able to win the battle, and keep ourselves pure to enter the temple, that could mean repentance.
What a wonderful writer you are, Bonnie - and what an important subject on which to ponder and write.
I echo many of the comments already written. Over the course of talking of this subject many times over the years, I have also said that they (all my kids) don't want to be the cause of someone else's regret. (As in: "If I had it to do over again, I would never have slept with ___, or done 'such and such' with _____".)
I have always warned them that it is the adversary that makes this good thing which has been given to us by our loving Heavenly Father into something bad which often leads to great pain.
It is a challenge enough to tackle this with our own children, never mind addressing it in an impactful (ss that a word?) and kind manner with YW we may only see weekly. I know that they can feel our love when we are their leaders, it is just that this is such an important principle.
Love you lots, Bonnie, and I feel grateful that I consider you a friend! You and yours are in our family and personal prayers as B is dealing with NHL. Hope you can feel the HUGE HUG coming through this post!
This is really fascinating and I applaud you for tackling this head on. I feel that every human emotion has been sexualized in the world today. That is a strong point, but there is evidence of this. For example, look at how the media portrays women. If a woman wants a man to love her, she needs to give him sex. If a woman wants to be revered, validated, or have an emotional commitment from a man on television, she needs to give him sex. I have never seen an advertisement for clothes, toothpaste, even furniture that did not have a very attractive and 'sexualized' woman to advertise. What is this message telling people? "In order to be important in this world, to feel like you belong, and that you have something to offer, you have to offer sex". Such gives sex a high priority of importance in the minds of many teenagers. Some teenagers even use the first time they had sex as a right of passage into adulthood, with guys bragging about the first time they 'popped her cherry'. This leads to another interesting topic, that teenagers view sex as a right of passage into adulthood.
Most teenagers I think are trying to grapple with the concept of Adulthood. They are struggling to build their sense of self in the world, and for some sex can provide an easy right of passage. Teenage years is a time to bridge the emotions of childhood and Adulthood. Some girls who had abusive relationships as children, may try to 'fix' this problem with the new instant Adult formula: sex. Because they have learned from media, peers, and others that sexualized behavior wins them points, attention, and can even give them emotional validation.
The question is, how do we talk about sexual impulses without making people question their worth? Because the problem is not sex. Sex is a natural and a good instinct, as long as we don't let it take over when it shouldn't. As a part of teenagers attempt to become their own person, they tend to pull away from their parents and seek to find answers for their own questions. And so they may not turn to their parents for help trying to understand their sexual impulses and how to deal with them. Personally, I think that young women need to understand that their worth is not based on their sexuality. I'm not talking about the cheesy "oh you are a special daughter", but that young women need to know that they have POWER over their sexual feelings. They need to know that they have POWER to find emotional validation, self esteem, respect and good friends without sexual behavior. They need to know that there will be a time when they can yield to sexual impulses and it will be right, but that SEXUALITY does not give them POWER. When a young woman feels this, she will have the power to resist abusive relationships, set boundaries for herself, and understand what will truly lead to a happy and full life. And when she finds that POWER not in sexuality, but in herself she will have more tools to cope with life's challenges inside marriage and outside marriage. Young women also need to know that marriage is not happily ever after. Chastity continues with marriage as well, hence where the POWER part comes in handy. If a young woman has learned that she has POWER over her emotional validation, she will have a greater sense of worth and ability to cope with sexual temptations in marriage as well. Young women need to realize that they have POWER to form lasting emotional relationships with men without SEX.
Last comment, sorry I know this is really long. But the last thing young women need to realize is that they are going to want to kiss boys someday. They will want to make out, hold hands, hug and cuddle. And when they get to that point, they will probably want more. Because it feels good. But, they need to know that as long as they set boundaries, they are ok. They shouldn't be ashamed of their feelings. In most relationships lasting over 3 months that I've had we had to talk about boundaries. The communication part was essential. We had to talk to each other about rules like not touching certain areas, not lying on top of each other while kissing, etc. so that we could have a happy relationship without worrying about going too far physically. So young women need to know that its OK and GOOD to set boundaries for themselves and to feel comfortable telling boys what their boundaries are. Then they can just enjoy the physical part of the relationship instead of being ashamed of their 'sexual feelings'.
~Holly A.
First, sign me up to serve in a YW org with you! My daughter tells me regularly that we must meet and that you are someone I would enjoy. Reading your entry today, I see her point.
Great discussion- it is challenging to teach with materials that are not keeping up with the times.
Its been awhile since I've served in YW, but even then, I found many of the stories and examples used to be trite and outdated.
Don't you sometimes think that, despite the best of intentions on the part of their leaders, the young women are often simply patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) enduring lessons that they can barely relate to?
I am much more for talking about real life situations and having real, engaging and current discussions.
That said, one must be cautious about revealing one's previous youthful indiscretions.
Its a mixed bag- Culturally, a convert has greater leeway in sharing previous experiences gained 'prior to knowledge' , however for life long members, the double standard, and myth, is that such mistakes were never made, and that to admit them would be to admit failure . Which of course totally misses the point of repentance and the atonement.
And yet, do we tell even our own children every mistake we made? No, we are judicious. And these are kids that we know intimately.
Even then, one of one's own children may react completely differently than another. In one's eyes we may have admitted our humanity, in another's we may be deemed a hypocrite or far worse. One might draw closer to us, another might reject us utterly. And again, these are the children we know best.
Perhaps that is part of the concern- revealing one's past can easily be read - by a temporarily hormonal teenaged mind in the heat of the moment- as an endorsement/permission or rationalization to go ahead since their respected teacher repented and turned out okay, OR they may be relieved that someone they admire erred and made the journey back.
The problem is that it is unpredictable which reaction will occur, particularly in a classroom with several girls from various mindsets and home situations as well as at various stages in both their own developing world view and in their spiritual growth.
Of course, when sharing such things, one would clearly include consequences and so on, but there is no guarantee of what the interpretation will be, and I think that is part of the reason it is not encouraged.
Also, while you, Bonnie, are clearly well spoken and would certainly express yourself eloquently on the matter, many do not possess the same gifts of communication, nor the necessary filter (!) and it might be a pretty alarming cannon to turn loose.
In the end, I think you must judge your audience, trust the spirit and your intuition to lead you, and be very very VERY cautious about crossing lines with the young woman who is more innocent than you might have thought, or more worldly that you might have thought. Guess that's why its not encouraged. Perhaps the leadership of the church feels that it is wisest to leave this to parents?
Your points about self image ring most true for me. YW leaders and teachers that connect with the girls are invaluable at a time when many girls are less than enthused with their mothers. More than a few girls have grown firm in their belief in both God and themselves because of the example and spiritual leadership and love of a young woman's leader, myself included.
Perhaps our best contribution is in validating and encouraging our young women in ways that foster a strong sense of self, a healthy body image and a most of all, a more complete understanding of their own worth and value. No small task, but that is why strong women like yourself, who get it, are serving in YW. The parents and the girls are fortunate to have you.
NM
I think you need a context to discuss all the blessings of chastity for the young women you teach on Sundays. There is a huge challenge to navigate the discussion of morality and the mind/body dichotomy. At the risk of sounding harsh (yea for anonymity!) I’ll pose some questions. Can a young woman understand the devastation of rape as a tool of war? Does this lead to an understanding of the complexity of the consequences of immorality? Where is this moral understanding best developed? Is the role of Young Womens to gently touch on the topic while home hones in and engages in the meaty and prayerful conversation? You talked of the risk of emotional intimacy, and, in my sheltered opinion, I think emotional betrayal is one of the saddest consequences of immorality. It is difficult to convey the sense of utter loss of trust to young women who have never lived without trust in their lives. It’s like warning someone of icy water under thin ice when the ice has never cracked. I have a daughter who is incensed by the injustice and abuse of trust in the world. Perhaps injustice and compassion for others is the context to help her understand the Savior’s deep concern with the perils of immorality for her and all his children.
Following up on my comment about bringing a context to the teaching of morality with a global perspective,"Learning to Hope" By Mariama Kallon, As Told to Riley M. Lorime in the New Era Nov. 2006, provides a context and brings hope at the same time.
NM - I agree that it is a vertiable land mine and perhaps this is why we stay clear. We simply cannot predict their reaction.
HA - you make some very astute observations about boundaries and the ability to establish them.
Anonymous - Thank you for the New Era article and I will read it.
Kathy - I like this idea of not having any regrets.
Anonymous - You remind me that as their leader, I have the right to inspiration regarding THEIR needs.
To all: thank you for sharing your insights and opinions.
Thank you Bonnie for expressing so clearly, beautifully and with sensitivity a serious and important topic. It is easier to close our eyes, pretend that things are just as written in the 'manual'...but it does not help these beautiful young women prepare themselves for the reality outside the classroom. What better place to learn than by the words of a wise woman (such as yourself) who has already walked along the paths that they now tread.
Bonnie, if I had had a daughter, I would have wanted you, or someone like you, as her leader. You're sensible, real, compassionate, and see both sides of the problem.
Bonnie, have you read 'Reviving Ophelia' by Mary Pipher? She's a psychologist who works with young women. The book was written in 1990 and I read it about 10 years later, when my daughter, having survived adolescence, was 20 years old. Mary argues that 'the truth is not getting equal time' and her 20 year old statement resonates even more strongly today. I was sorry I had not read her earlier, but thanks to a great YW program today my 30 year old daughter is a married mother of four who is so much brighter and wiser than was her own mother.
Rose Greenwood (rosegr@sympatico.ca)
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