My boys on separate occasions made arrangements to visit her but at the last minute she cancelled. Her excuses though completely illogical are really quite creative - it might be too hard to park the car in the parking lot or they may not want to eat what is on the menu. Her real reason is that their visits would conflict with her Bingo night or something else she wanted to do at that moment.
I invited her over for a celebatory dinner Sunday night. I was just about to dive into my turkey dinner with all the trimmings when I see her in front of me with her boots and coat and purse and announces that she has to go home.
I haven't finished eating Mom.
Well I need to put in my drops.
Didn't you bring them?
Yes, but I need to take out my teeth.
And on and on it goes until I feel like I am going mad. There was a time when MY Mother would have stayed and helped with the dishes. When SHE would have enjoyed visiting with all the guests and laughed at their jokes.
Today I thought I would have a little chat with her to set a few things right. Help her see that she must invest more of herself in these relationships with her grandsons and stop being so inflexible.
Midway through my explanation she interrupts me.
Sophie didn't know your father-in-law was still living.
I persist. I haven't exhausted my rehearsed conversation.
She writes out a cheque for the family reunion registration which she was doing before I arrived with a carton of bottled water she likes.
Mom, I really need you to put your pen down and listen to what I am trying to tell you.
She can't help herself. She must finish.
Sophie says it's important that I don't delay in the registration.
I'm nearly crazy with frustration and guilt. I want to smack her. I leave in a huff while she continues with her paper work. A few seconds later she pops her head out the door.
Bonnie when are you going to take me to get some more wool? I need some soon.
I hurry to the elevator. I'm brushing away my angry tears and bursting with such conflicted feelings. She has some idea that I am upset but doesn't know why. I'm ashamed that I can't be more patient. I'm disappointed that she can't see how her actions are pushing away those she loves most. Mostly I am sad that the woman standing at the end of the hall is a complete stranger even to herself.
3 comments:
Oh Bonnie, Your mother is not the mother you knew. Her brain is working different now and she can't help it. You must get to a point where you don't take it personal. Do for her when you can and don't feel guilty when you can't. If your boys have plans to visit then continue with that. By the time they get there her excuse will be long gong. It will only get worse, trust me. Talking logic is usally impossible. I hope you can come to terms with this. You are a good daughter.
Bonnie, I think of you often and hope that there can be some good days ahead with your mom. It is so sad to hear what is happening to her....and to you. Take good care of yourself.
Bxx
I have a friend whose wife has Alzheimer's and he goes to a support group. He says every week it begins with someone saying, "I lost my patience this week. I wish I could be more patient." Every week it's a different someone who begins this way. It comes with the territory. And Janet is right, logic is lost on her.
Take very good care of yourself.
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