I hadn't seen Used to Be Mother in almost a week and in an earlier conversation with her this morning she reminded me that she was out of wool. I surprised her this afternoon with an invitation to wool shop. She's put on weight. She had her hair permed. She looked tired and yellow. Her seersucker pants were way too summery for how chilly it is.
She buys her wool at Zeller's which will close in November and become Target. It looked like it had closed already. The Pharmacy and Restaurant were shut down and you could have stayed a long time in the store before you saw anyone. The clerk asked her where she was going to buy her wool once their store closed. Used to Be Mother didn't understand the context of the question.
We went to Pier One to find a cushion for a chair I painted for Rachel's apartment. Used to Be Mother said "What kind of a store is this? What on earth on you going to do with that? Why do you need that? Where is she going to put that?"
At the Carter's outlet store, her questions continued. She wondered why on earth I was buying baby clothes for my niece when she already has had two children and must have enough clothing for the new baby. How much is that going to cost to mail? Why would you want to send them a gift when you could take them something in the summer at the reunion? For whatever reason, these incessant questions punctured a huge leak in my patience.
I wanted to say because I don't have a relationship with my deceased sister's kids and I want them to know I care about them. I wanted to tell her that all the joy I was savouring at the thought of their opening this gift was extinguised by her questions. I wanted to yell at her it wasn't any of her DARN business.
My frustration and then disappointment that I allowed her behaviour to get the best of me kept me silent on our way home. She tried several times to engage in conversation: oh the traffic, I like Keith - he's not my boyfriend but he's really nice, I am going to wash my hair tomorrow blah blah blah.
I had a good cry when I got home. Tomorrow will be a better day. The traffic and her washed hair and Keith will be interesting to me at some level. But today I just didn't have the stomach for it.
3 comments:
be generous with yourself mama. you are doing a good job.
Good news: Target is better than Zellers.
My UTBM grew more silent. She didn't ask questions. She read signs aloud like a five-year old.
Bonnie, you need to realize that she does NOT appreciate all of your good intentions. Nothing personal, you are doing your best. She does not know that. You need to back off and see her once a week or so, she will not remember any more than that. I know it is difficult, you are trying too hard to please someone who does not remember that you are there. Do not take this personally. She loves you no matter what happens. Look after yourself.................CH xoxoxo
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