Things that Rattle and Roll

While we were eating our lunch today a la fresca, the wind knocked over the sunscreen bottle and rolled it along the length of the deck. This startled Used to Be Mother and she could not understand what it was nor why it was rolling.

She has such huge disconnects with reality now and we notice she is completely lost. She doesn't know where she is. She doesn't really know the difference between my sister and me. She doesn't remember our children - their names, where they live, what they do.

We talk about the time, the vitamins and drops she takes, about her lunch, about all the traffic and then we start all over again. She asks us many times during the day to feel her nose which is always cold. She sat in the car today while my sister and I ran an errand. She wanted to watch all the people. She counted the cars in the parking lot. I watched her from the store entrance.

I saw this shrivelled up little woman looking out the window trying to put meaning into what she was seeing. As I did so, I was reminded of images as she walked home from work after a long day of clerking. I saw her sewing late into the night as she made our summer shorts and tops. I saw her laughing and smiling and eagerly holding our children. I miss that mother so much, I miss telling her my plans and my dreams and my concerns. I miss knowing that there is someone who loves me and would champion my effort.

Oh mother where have you gone?